Emily Posts

Love this quote!  And thought it a perfect addition to my "rant" yesterday!!

“Clothes not only add to our appearance; they are our appearance. The first impression that we make upon others depends entirely upon what we wear and how we wear it… What makes a brilliant party? Clothes. Good clothes. A frumpy party is nothing more nor less than a collection of badly dressed persons.”

Emily Post on “The Clothes of a Lady,” 1922

A MOB's Point of View

This is a rant....and I apologize if I hurt the feelings of Moms of Daughters. Ok, I want to understand.  WHY!  Why do young girls have to wear such revealing attire?  I attended a recent event.  There were 150 high school girls in attendance with their mothers.  It was a daytime, Christmas function.

I'm all about dressing up.  We ARE girls after all.  I'd venture to guess 80% were (SO!) inappropriately dressed my jaw dropped.  (But, since I know my manners they did not know my jaw dropped!).

Had I been an employer, I would not have hired oh about 130 of these young ladies.  Bosoms jiggling out of the tops of dresses, thighs exposed to who knows where, dresses so tight they looked sandblasted onto their bodies. 

Ok, I am a MOB (Mother of Boys).....but I am trying to teach young ladies on appropriate attire, how to look their best, how to interview.  What is the point?  Why do we even have the word "modesty" in our dictionary?

I do not get it.

Hostess Gift Go-To Guide

You've RSVP'd for the Christmas party. You know your manners and it's an act of kindness to give a hostess gift. Below is a list of lovelies….one of which is sure to make a happy hostess!  A fruitcake is NOT on the list.

For the powder room:

• Hand towels
• Pretty soaps
• Potpourri (evergreen, cinnamon scent)
• A small votive with candle

For the kitchen:

• Small serving pieces (Christmas-themed) may or may not be filled with Christmas cookies
• Spreaders and cocktail forks
• Christmas cookbook
• Home-made baked goods
• Tea towels
• Rosemary tree (for the cook)

For the bar:

• Wine
• Decorative wine bottle stoppers
• Cocktail napkins
• Holiday coasters
• Tin of "good" nuts
  
   

Miscellaneous:

• Christmas ornament
• Plant: cyclamen or poinsettia
• A special candle
• Christmas CD (your favorite music!)

Boss Etiquette

To all the bosses out there - please use YOUR good manners and treat your employees well.  We need respect just as much as you do.  Some suggested tips:

1. Do not use vile, ugly curse words.
2. Do not ask your assistant to buy inappropriate gifts for your spouse.
3. Do not call an employee's home...say past 9 pm.
4. Do not throw staplers.

It's a well known fact that productivity and morale is higher with a fair, even tempered boss at the helm.

(A related story can be read here...)

Chivalry is NOT Dead!

What is a gentleman to do when he wants to be just that?  A gentleman!  Fifty years ago the rules were non-negotiable.  He'd be considered crass if he did not open the door for her.  Or aid in putting on her coat. 

{Etiquette Past:  On the street, a man walked on the curb side — a custom born of the idea that women needed to be shielded from the potential hazards posed by the passing horse-and-buggy parade.}

These times are a-changing and some women wield power by showing their independence and "diss" acts of kindness by a man.

Gentlemen.  Here is the solution.  Ask her what she prefers.  "May I help you with your coat?"  "Here, let me get the door for you." You have shown good manners and it's up to her to accept graciously or in my opinion, be crass by refusing the offer.

I think that even today women like to be treated like ladies.  I know I do!

Fine Arts Etiquette: A Fine Line

As we sat in the fine arts center waiting for the program to start; my eyes darted to & fro.  Oh, my---a gentleman in shorts and a ball cap.  There's a woman with enough thigh and cleavage showing I wonder, how DOES she sit comfortably? 

And two seats down a hip teen pulls out the cell phone and texts.  And texts more.  Even when the lights go out. 

People are supporting the fine arts.  Yay!  But, in my humble opinion the art of "what to do in public" is not so fine!

Communication Counts!

(reproduced with permission from artist/cartoonist, Dave Coverly)

Hys-ter-ical.  Dave Coverly's cartoon made my husband and I laugh out LOUD!  I clipped it and held on to it.  I'll definitely incorporate it in a future class.

The cartoon is spot on.  What HAVE we come to?  The art of communication is a bunch of grunts without eye contact.

I tell students to turn off cell phones at the beginning of a class.  You'd think I had asked them to cut off their thumbs.  I mean really....you should see the eye contact I get at THAT request.

An earlier post of mine on how the apple doesn't fall far from the tree is here.  I hope the cartoon is far from your reality.

May I suggest YOU communicate to your kiddo

just how to communicate.

We like:

- To look into their eyes
- Shake their hands
- Learn something about them (in person not via a text message)

Strong communication skills are signs of a confident young person and a potential leader.

Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young had something when they sang "Teach Your Children Well."

Manners=Tools for Life!

It takes 12 to 15 seconds to make a good (or poor) first impression.  The majority of kids that come to a Manners Boot Camp (or other venue) are a wee bit hesitant.  Some cling to their parents, others find a chair and hunker down (aka poor posture) and attempt to be invisible.

...and in the middle of class a transformation can occur.  When they learn that manners help them feel comfortable in a social situation; they get it.  We role play.  Shake hands.  Practice introducing one another. 

When we have a dining tutorial they rise to the occasion.  They ask great questions too! 

Last week University of Texas-Houston Medical School held an Etiquette Dinner for some of their pre-med students. 

One such question was "What do I do with the lemon on my glass

if I don't LIKE lemon?"

 

I suggested:  1. discard it on their bread plate (if they have one) or 2. "plop" it into the glass without squeezing.  The drink won't taste lemony (since it wasn't squeezed) and yet it's out of the way.

Now, the pre-med students were NOT hesitant.  In fact, they were excited to be there; realizing the value of how to handle (everything) themselves at dinner while making an excellent impression. 

The gentlemen rose a bit from their chair when the young ladies excused themselves.  That was new to them.  And when they heard how it impresses "chicks" - I do believe it'll become one of their "tools."

That's how I look at manners - they are TOOLS FOR LIFE.  No matter where you come from, how educated you are, what job you have - IF you have good manners you automatically look more confident.
And these future docs must look confident!

We end class by shaking hands - a firm handshake, web-to-web, with good eye contact.  And again - no matter how old they are...they leave with firmer handshakes and a bit more confidence.

They've added a few tools to their tool box for life!

 

Q & A

Question:  We received an invitation to a wedding but are unable to attend.  Do we have to send a gift?

Answer:  The proper protocol is to send a gift.  By sending an invitation to you; a gift is expected.  The same for a wedding shower.  If you're not going to attend even a small gift should be sent:  flowers or a gift certificate for a mani/pedi.  By choosing not to send a gift it's a (soft) signal that you're terminating the friendship.

Thank You Note Know-How

Etiquette requires you to send a thank-you note in the following situations:

• Wedding gifts
• Bridal shower
• Graduation gifts
• Baby shower gifts
• Holiday, birthday, Bar/Bat mitzvah
• Housewarming gifts
• Sympathy letters, flowers, mass cards, or donations made in the deceased’s name

Thank-you notes are not necessarily required but are a nice gesture in the following situations:

• When a host has treated you to a cocktail party, dinner, or concert
• After a job interview
• Anytime you feel particularly indebted to someone

Components of the Thank-You Note


1. Address the giver.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Henderson, or Dear Mary,


It may seem obvious, but addressing the giver directly rather than simply starting your letter gives your note a more personal touch.

2. Express your gratitude.


Thank you so much for the silver picture frame.


Be sure to be specific when you mention the gift. Instead of just saying “Thank you for the glasses." try “Thank you for the beautiful crystal champagne flutes." It will make your note feel more personal and less generic.


If the gift was money, never directly mention “cash” in the note. Instead, thank the giver for his generosity.

3. Discuss how you plan to use the gift or how much the gesture means to you.


We’ve put a picture of the family on our last vacation inside it and placed it on our mantel. It looks great!


Mention how you intend to use the gift and compliment it in some way. If the gift was money, allude to how you intend to use the money by saying something like, “It will be a great help to us when we purchase . . .”

It is sometimes more helpful to describe how meaningful the gesture is to you, such as "John and I know you spent countless hours assembling this photo album, and we will always treasure it."

4. Mention your relationship to the giver.


It was great seeing you at the house warming party, and we hope to see you again this spring at the reunion.

5. Reiterate your gratitude.

Thank you again for your kind gift.

6. Regards.


Sincerely,


Guy and Girl Gracious

A thank-you note is exclusively about expressing your gratitude, so don’t worry if your note seems short and simple. The only hard and fast rule is that it be sincere -- even if you do not care for the gift, you can express gratitude for the gesture.

Ticket to Success!

 

I was delightfully surprised when a 5th grade boy knew the origin of the word "etiquette."  Do you?*

Yesterday, 40 students from Northland Christian School arrived at Campioni's for a manners luncheon.  A former client of mine set up the event...to prepare them for next year. 

At the end of our session I asked what they learned.  A few replies:

1. Where the silverware is placed
2. That the napkin goes on their chair when they excuse themselves from the table
3. They enter the table by going in on the right side of their chair
4. Salt & pepper are passed together
5. Butter one piece of bread at a time

I can't tell you how appreciative I am when I catch the eye of a young peron...and they're listening.  In this crowd, all the students got  it.  They are well on their way to feeling confident and comfortable in any social situation.

* (The word ‘etiquette’ used to mean "keep off the grass". Louis XIV’s gardener noticed that the aristocrats were walking through his gardens and put up signs, or étiquets, to ward them off. The dukes and duchesses walked right past these signs. Due to this blatant disregard, the King of Versailles decreed that no individual was to go beyond the bounds of the étiquets. The meaning of etiquette would later include the ticket to court functions that listed the instructions on where a person would stand and what was to be done. Etiquette, like language, has evolved, but it still means literally "keep off the grass". Until the 1960’s, the importance of good manners were taught without question, but with the liberated 70’s came a decline in the popularity of teaching proper etiquette. Proper etiquette and protocol has given children and adults alike a vital tool that not only provides a competitive edge, but a sense of confidence.)

Quiet Confidence

There are some people that command a room - in an obnoxious way.  Too loud, too in your face.  Have to be the center of attention.  Others walk into the room and have presence. I call this quiet confidence and think it should be a goal of our young people.

Beth Moore talks about walking in security.  "When you act secure, you become secure."  I tell students in my workshops "fake it until you make it."  (same as Beth Moore, right?)

 I really believe that role-playing helps a child feel prepared:  whether it's the first day of first grade, the 8th grade dance, day 1 of freshman year.  Their first interview. 

"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming."

 - Goethe

Clueless About Cleavage!

And so since we're trying to make that (favorable) impression, may I suggest we think - really, think - about what we wear.  Clothes do NOT make a man or woman; but our attire is part of the overall package.

And now on to a pet peeve of mine:  EXCESS CLEAVAGE.  I promise I am not jealous.  I just think it is so inappropriate.  Women exposing themselves...

...especially at church, luncheons, meetings, day time events.  Call me (prudish) conservative - it's just not right.  Every woman likes to feel feminine yet there is a time and a place for that little black dress. 

Clothes are symbolic. They make a statement about your attitudes, status, and self-image, even if it’s not your intent. You have the right to dress any way you like. But if you defy social standards, as is your privilege, people will make judgments accordingly, as is their privilege. It’s up to you to determine whether what you wear will hurt you or help you.

(HOW RUDE! Copyright © 1997 by Alex J. Packer. Free Spirit Publishing Inc.)

I've used this quote in many a class with young students.  I do believe it's the adults that are often clueless. 

TIP:  before you leave, take a last look in the mirror.  IF you say to yourself:  "Self....this may be inappropriate."  That's your gut telling you to change clothes. 

The First 15!

That's all we've got - 15 seconds...to make a GOOD or POOR first impression!  Sure we can make amends; prove ourselves worthy after time; but I tell clients the first 15 are all-important.  Let's role-play!  You're about to enter a room filled with strangers.  Here's a helpful check-list.

The List:

1. Command the room - with excellent posture.
2. Name tag is placed on your right shoulder area.
3. Be the first to extend your hand for a FIRM (web-to-web)handshake.
4. Greet your host before attacking the buffet.
5. Make eye contact.  Tip:  look at the person long enough to note their eye color. 
6. Smile.  Tip:  Smiling is our best beauty tool.  And it's free!
7. If you say their name 3 times in that first conversation; you're more apt to remember it.
8. Ask questions.
9. Ask (appropriate) questions - those you'd be happy to answer!
10. Do not barge in on a conversation of two people.
11. A group of three or more is fine to sidle up to.
12. ...and be inclusive to someone standing on the outskirts of your group.
13. Carry your beverage in your left hand so your RIGHT is free to shake.
14. No matter YOUR age, respect your elders:  let them in at the front of the line, allow them the better seat; hold the door open.
15. Be considerate in your conversation - God DID give us two ears and only one mouth...

Check out my @constantcontact newsletter

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Kindness Conquers!

There's a place I frequent (far too often) that is lovely inside.  As warm as the interior was; the shop owner wasn't.  When I meet someone that I perceive unfriendly or even hostile OR I find hard to like, my mindset immediately goes to:  "I am going to conquer them." 

We've all heard the saying "kill them with kindness."  It works!  Perhaps I just wore her down with my chipper demeanor; but I'd say the shop owner and I are now on friendly terms. 

Tomorrow, fifteen (15) youngsters from 8 to 12 years old, are attending a Manners Boot Camp.  A goal is to teach them that kindness is much more valuable than knowing what fork to use.

I'll let you know how we do.

Slow down...look both ways!

I was stopped in church today by a woman who wanted to talk about a pet peeve.  The question was, "Where is courtesy today?  Why on earth do teenagers think they can plow through a crowd without any consideration of others?"  While standing in the foyer I witnessed exactly that.

The rules of etiquette are in place for the very reason we have traffic lights.  What would happen without them?  When we run a light, we have a wreck.  Without manners - rules to abide by, we'd BE wrecks! 

It seems there's a correlation between traffic and our behavior.  It's best to slow down and look both ways!

First Impressions Last!

I had the privilege of watching 7th and 8th graders participate and enjoy themselves at Cotillion last night.  They walked into the party looking "the part."  They know we have 15 to 30 seconds to make a GOOD first impression or a POOR one.  We can change the opinion of others but that takes work.  The first impression lingers....

They showed off their manners to the parents in attendance! 

1. Name tags on the right shoulder
2. Shake hands, web to web
3. Good eye contact
4. Smile, when introducing yourself

I actually remember what it feels like in the 8th grade!  Been there, done that.  And oh, my....if they can just get it: the tools to feel confident - wherever they may be; a classroom, gym, stage, dance floor, tennis court - are at their fingertips.  And, then...to treat others as THEY want to be treated.  With kindness and respect.  While I've seen this group do their share of eye-rolling, and "uh, uh, not her" or "not him!" (which is normal!) last night they rose to the occasion.  It proves that they are capable.  Dress 'em up, take them out of their routine and they RISE.  It was such a treat to be in the midst of 7th and 8th grade students with their PARENTS, enjoying the evening. 

Talk to your kids...I strongly recommend role playing.  Have the family stage a receiving line - teach them how to shake hands.  Firmly.  Practice smiling if it doesn't come naturally.  Tell them it melts our hearts when we are acknowledged:  "Hi, Mrs. Johnson, nice to see you!"

Knowing what to do in a social situation, with confidence, is the sign of a leader!

RSVP is NOT an option!

I get a kick out of going to my mailbox! Even today, with email, Facebook, texting, I love a hand-written note. I enjoy a good party too....so when an invitation hits the mail box, woo-hoo! Let me ask you something. Do you toss the invitation aside and wait to see if something better comes along? If so, shame on you. There is a 3-day rule.

On or before day 3, call the host and respond. Just because the French translation says "respond..if you please" - it will NOT please the host if he is waiting for your reply. The only correct way to wait is if your schedule truly is iffy. Then call right away and say: "I would love to come; but we are waiting to see when the soccer finals are. I won't know until ____." And, by the way - we are to respond whether our answer is yea or nay. When calling, be specific: "I'm RSVP'ing to tell you we'll be there (or we're unable to make it)."

I've been the brunt of poor RSVP'ing for many a year during Christmas. We have an annual party and quite a few times I've opened the door to a face I thought wasn't attending. What to do? Since I teach manners and they know it, and this may be my #1 Pet Peeve, I cannot help but say: "Oh! Hi _____, I didn't know you were coming. Please come in." That may not be the most mannerly; but I can't help myself.

Also note to whom the invitation is addressed. If it is to "Mr. & Mrs. C. U. Later" then only the Mr. & Mrs. are invited. When you show up at the door with little Laters, it's quite the faux pas.

Take a moment and consider what a host must calculate for said party:

1. Food
2. Beverage
3. Flowers-centerpieces
4. Room rental (by headcount)
5. Corsages and boutonnieres

...and more! Good manners is thinking of others. Please, always remember to RSVP!

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

Definition: offspring grow up to be like their parents. What goes on at home WILL walk out the door and show itself in the form of our offspring. Isn't it lovely when we get a good report? Our child behaved - was polite, said "thank you." We aren't supposed to live through them; but their behavior reflects their homelife, like it or not. I propose we start something. A movement so to speak. NICE DOES MATTER!

This blog is a sounding board for:

1. My personal pet peeves in the world of manners
2. How to dine like a diplomat
3. Thank you notes - correspondence protocol
4. RSVP'ing and all facets of partying with polish
5. ...and curious rants, I am sure.
6. I'll also announce upcoming events

Tell me what you do at home to promote manners! How do you teach your offspring to be nice?

...because nice matters!